Do you ever just wish you could capture a moment? Not just a picture, not just what you see. You wish you could capture all of it. The way the air feels on your skin and the exact color of the sky. The way the emotions and thoughts running through your head line up. The way everything smells and tastes and all the feelings you are feeling in that exact moments. It might not be a perfect moment, but it is one you want to hold on to. But, of course, those moments are the most fleeting.
I have to do a presentation in a few hours that I am by no means prepared for. I practiced, but it’s about my life. It’s a lot to share, a lot that has hidden background to me that I will not be sharing, but I will know. It’s too close. As someone who does not like presenting in the first place, I am just walking anxiety at this point. (I also put this site in the presentation, so, anyone who is seeing this that is in my interpersonal communications class…yo. Also, thanks for checking this out. There is some nonpersonal stuff I tend to think is kind of interesting sometimes, mostly the fiction. Anyway.) This presentation is mostly a powerpoint of pictures. My life, nice, neat, tied up in fifteen cute little slides. Making it has been…emotionally taxing. Looking through pictures, regretting things I said, things I did not say, things I did, moments I let pass by. But it is not just regret. I only put in information for happy things. I left out the sad, the bizarre, the whattheactualfuck, though those are my friends favorite stories. Yet, it all feels wrong. It’s over, it’s the past. I cannot go back and I have no plans for forward and right now, this moment does not feel real. It shows the friends I’ve made, it revolves around my life, but it’s not me. I don’t know. I guess I am just feeling kind of somber. I’ll figure it out. It’s just a strange feeling, looking back like this, wishing I captured more moments, realizing I captured none.
I realize I have not posted in a very long time. For all two of you who care, I am sorry. I have been having quite a difficult time writing recently, and as you both have probably noticed, I like to vary the order I post things. I really do not want to post two personal things in a row. I wanted to post some fiction. I have had a million ideas since I have last posted, but none of them seem to work. I have created about twenty new pages in the past few months, each with single words or sentences, just general ideas that do not seem to want to come together. This post is like….a last ditch effort. I thought maybe if I posted something, wrote something, finished something, accomplished something, maybe I could get my words flowing again. We shall see. All in time.
Anyway, this is just useless rambling. I think I have accomplished what I intended. An apology, an explanation, an expectation. We shall see. We shall see.